"Put your ear down to your soul and listen hard." - Dorothy Parker

last night was close.  But I have my energy back! Ha, I could do so muchhhhh.   But there's a cloud following, a dark, dark cloud.   This cloud is trying to rain on me, on me!  Like that will happen.  I haven't a clue what to do.  I've been medicated.  Not event hat can sedate this wonderful energy.   This wonderful fire.   Oh, but I do pray, please oh please, don't let it rain on this fire.   For when the two mix we get a very nasty result.  Ohhhhhhhhhhhh,  it's going to be a splendid evening, I daresay, a splendid evening.

that I needed to discern the difference between a major problem and a minor one.   Well, I am too ashamed to admit that I might in fact be having a major problem (especially considering that it is a major internal problem) .  The truth is my modd swings have never been so drastic nor have they been so rapid.   I'm forgetting more and more.  Is this crazy? 

I keep seeing myself in mirrors, windows, glass - this reflection - I cry.  God, I don't want to look like me.  I name a billion things wrong.  I ate so much today that my body feels like it might explode, my stomach does anyway.  I'm tired of throwing up and ex-lax.   I hate not eating for a day.   Fat-free everything when I do eat.  Just make me skinny and pretty. ANYONE.  Is this possibly making the moods worse?

So my major problem.  Well, iot isn't major, but I'm tired of her mocking me  She takes shards of glass laughing saying, go ahead slice yourself up.  She said that my throwing up is why I look thinner.  And thin is good.   She said I gave her the crazy look the other day. If shes it again she's calling 911.  I don't mean to mess up everything for her.  And as everyone tells me how much she loves me, they then like to remind of her condition.  She isn't healthy because i stresss i her out.  Me not being normal, not being well makes her worse.  Maybe if someone could show me how to love myself, my body, be healthy I'd know!

HA! And today what she said sent me over edge.  I thought I would just lose.  Instead I slept (At 2 PM) for three hours.  Is it bad to want to leave?  When I have this great life, is it bad to want to leave?

was group, literal group with other (external) people.

I think I told them too much.   I think I've been telling everyone too much.  In fact I was much happier when everything remained surpressed, tucked away in trunks in each room.  I liked life better when the door was closed.   When there was no hole in the wall, I never heard screaming.   I keep comparing myself to Debbie Blau in Rose Garden.  Though I know I am not schizophrenic, I cannot help but to notice these similarities.  Hence, in my notes I keep making refrences to my internal structures as opposed to her.  Her Upuru is my green, as the Pit is the Green Room.  I - too - have poison, however it is the Red, my blood.   Debbie is much more sophisticated than I, more smart adn talented.   She has the ebauty of language and mythology.   My life revolves around color and random thoughts.  I don't know how much longer everyone can hold up.   The days are becoming harder, night almost unbearable as they once were before.   Is it normal to always be spinning?  Can someone even spin on the inside?  I think that's what's happening.  I want to talk to someone.  Well, I need to actually.  More than anything I wish I could talk to Dr. S.  She would know what to do.   And this medication.  HA!  Give me a break, like that will change anything.   I hate to tell these "experts" but I highly doubt medication is the answer (in my case anway).  You see the voIces, the visions are not external.   They are all inside.  I am actually sane, not crazy.   I do - however - appear crazy because I do the same thing over and over again, and expect different results.

Help?